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//Where is my Mind?

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Too Much Drama... [27 Mar 2006|03:12pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

...Eh, my dad's latest wife [he's had three including my mom] called me just now saying that she'd like to have me over for my birthday [even though it was about three weeks ago....] sometime this weekend. So... I'm kinda freaking out, I haven't heard from anyone on that side of my family for two years now [except my grandma who called the week after my birthday] and haven't seen any of them for about five years now.

It's going to be hard for me though. I got really messed up a while back and that was the reason why they shunned me. But, I'm all better now, have been for a year. I was glad she didn't mention anything about it. But her first personal question for me was "Do you have a boyfriend? You could bring him over." I've been wanting to start a whole new life with them, no lies, no guilt, no problems. But they think I'm straight. And I hate letting people think that.

.... I don't know if I should tell my mom.

On a lighter note... My girlfriend is awesome and people are annoyed that I haven't done the mohawk again yet.

P.s. Lesbians not allowed at PromCollapse )

<333 les poissons

1 dead "invisible" fish | 2+2=5

Lesbian Story.... [23 Mar 2006|08:13pm]
[ mood | amused ]

So I've been hearing a little here and there about a book called Name All the Animals by Alison Smith. It's supposedly a memoir of the author from when she was fifteen and how her life changed after the death of her brother. And about her first love.

"Name All the Animals is a graceful little book. Smith has a deft touch with language, and builds a quick-moving narrative about adolescence, coming out, and living with the dead. Her memoir is more than a memorial to her brother Roy. It is a memorial to her first love; it is a memorial to her childhood devotion to God; it is a memorial to her parents, who loved their children very much. It could have been a rather depressing memoir about death and grief, but Smith’s direct simplicity has ultimately resulted in a hopeful tale about life and what it means to love."-afterellen.com

... I did my hair in a mohawk yesterday. ;]

This convo about my hair... I laugh:

"You look like a punk rocker." -Jeremy
"Yeah? You should have seen me yesterday. I looked like a preppy guy; ripped guy jeans, popped collar, and all." -Me
"Heh, yeah well at least you don't look gay like me today. See my shirt? It looks gay." -Jeremy

By the end of the conversation Jeremy then found out that I actually am a lesbian. I honestly thought he knew, seeing as how I've been friends with his sister for over two years now... ^^;;

Your Fortune Is

Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.

So this year my brother is in a private school. Yesterday he brought home four of his catholic-school friends. And as predicted, something went down. One of the boys started talking about some random person at their school and how "he's a fag". I stick my head into the room and listen in a little longer to see if the word would be used again, waiting if my brother [who knows I'm gay] would say anything. But he didn't when another boy used the word again. I couldn't take it. I barged into the room and said:
"Hey now, that word is not to be used in this house." -Me
"What word?" [acting stupid and making a face like it wasn't a big deal]-Friend
"The "F" word." -Me
"Oh... I'm sorry I didn't know." [sounding like a smart-ass]-Friend
"Well then I'll give you the rules. There are three words that are not to be said in this house. 1) Stupid 2) Dumb 3) the "F" word" -Me
Then the fother mucker rolled his fucking eyes!

*sigh* I hate it. My brother used to not be such a bad kid. Now since he's been kicking it with kids like these, he's turning into an ass. AND uses the "F" word!! If I could, I'd slap him upside the head. But instead I have to tell him about how a guy was beaten to death because people over hear others calling him that, over and over again. Come on! He doesn't care...

-edit edit-
OMFG!! There isn't a community dedicated to Shane+Carmen yet there's some for DuoxHeero...wtf? There isn't even one for the "l" word!!

P.s. Saw V for Vendetta, I didn't know it had a story of a lesbian relationship in the plot. Made it all the more interesting. :)

<333 les poissons

No This Is Not A Poem.... [07 Mar 2006|09:39pm]
[ mood | flirty ]

rainbow belts.
piercings in the right ear.
bois, toys, fast cars, glam.
wear "dyke beaters" v.s. "wife beaters"
heavy eyeliner. fake mustache.
butch v.s. femme
everything in between.
out. open. expressed. acknowledged. pda
love? nah,.... i don't know how to believe
what's love got to do with anything?
you liked the color blue before you knew how to say it.
bleh, rainbows are gay.
and i am single again. but not for long.
as much as i want to feel remorse, i can't stand being alone.
get to disappear for break.
sorry for your troubles. i thought you understood,
or at least knew.

.... tomorrow will be interesting. [[ tomorrow was interesting ]]


The Rules
1. Start with six random/weird facts about yourself.
2. Tag six people who now have to write six random facts about themselves, as well as clearly stating these rules.
3. Make sure to post the names of the six people at the bottom of these facts.


- i'm a sucker for blondes
- my birthday is on st.patrick's day and i'm half irish
- i've never "played" bloody marry
- played volleyball for six years //hated it since day one//
- my left big toe is named bob
- i have an "imagenary friend" named kez that looks like a blue zombie/alien cat

P.s. mannie_457, mysterismile, sapporonoodles, scary_kyo_kyo, steppe, and theloudcafe .... tag you're all it! *runs and hides*

<333 les poissons

2 dead "invisible" fish | 2+2=5

Lost... [06 Mar 2006|10:15pm]
[ mood | blank ]

i feel like i'm loosing myself again. i've been frantically working on everything i set my eyes on just to avoid thinking about this. the thought sprang up at the mall the other day. and at casual dragons the day before that. it hit me with a bat behind the head when tiffany's dad said he didn't want me calling her anymore. it left bruises in my mind when i realized i don't remember the girl i was two years ago. it slit my throat when i couldn't verbally express my feelings to my girlfriend....

i'm not so worried. not this time around. i've been pissy and bitchy since new years. it's about time for some change.

P.s. ex changed her hair back to original color. thank god, awkward feelings were starting to sprout. lol, damn my weakness for blondes...

<333 les poissons

2 dead "invisible" fish | 2+2=5

Unhomeless...ha [02 Mar 2006|11:18pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Okay so this is sooooo the best news I've had all year [sure it's only been two months but still].....

I HAVE A HOME!!!!!!!

<333 les poissons


God.... [27 Feb 2006|09:28pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

i can't.... i can't fucking handle this anymore.
Mao called me a fuck up this morning. Ruthie didn't pass the drug test that the school had her take today...
i can't deal with all this. i can't do this. God, i don't know what to do. i need to go to church. i only go for a good cry. And today i broke down and started crying in front of my girlfriend. i feel so weak. So fucking pathetic. i don't know what to do. i feel like i'm under attack. My mind is against me, everyone around me, everything i do is wrong or a mistake. What the fuck... i need to disappear for a while. i need to just, forget everything that's happening. i need out. i need to get out of this place. i need some fucking pills....

P.s. been rumors that ruthie isn't going to be moving to louisiana anymore. but they're only rumors, i haven't gotten to talk to her at all since saturday...

<333 les poissons

2 dead "invisible" fish | 2+2=5

Frakkin Hell.... [25 Feb 2006|09:16pm]
[ mood | numb ]

ah man, see now tonight was one of those nights every "hag" talks about. the night the "truth" comes out. but here... i was always thinking 'nah, that aint my story. that aint how it's happening to me.'

so there's this thing,...WPA? i've never wanted to go to any of those school functions. they're all a load of bull.
but this time, it was something different. i wanted to see my girl. i needed to see my girl.

i don't have a dress. i don't want a dress. maybe those mock skirt type pants? no, the one's bunni has don't fit me.
formal, fancy, nice.... all those words make me feel uncomfortable... and fake.
oooo....an idea.

go to my brother, ask for a favor. "help an ole' hag go in drag?" get my sister in on it too. we all have our fun, playing dress up like the old days, share some laughs until we're finally done. turn around for my sister to see, then from her lips escape, "you're the most beautiful i've ever seen you." hear a cocky chuckle from by brother, "damn i'm good."

footsteps.... oh god that sound sent chills down my spine. no time to run and hide. mum looks at me. and i just stand there, like a deer in the headlights. so many expressions flash across her face, like flipping through the channels on the t.v.
shocked to confused then from ashamed to enraged...

"hi mao...." i squeak. shrink x 10

What do you think you're doing? you want to be a boy now? trying to be all dyke. get out of those clothes.

and then the most painful....fag

more words are said and exchanged then i can bare to say. god what a horrible day. finally she goes upstairs. my brother hugs me and follows. my sister conforts me but is taken away by a phone call. i grab my boots, shove my phone in my pocket, toss on a hoodie, and leave.

call up the only girl, the only person, only thing, that can make me feel better at a time like this.
"hey what's up girl?"
...Mannie? i stutter and shiver. so cold out.
"yeah. hey, are you crying? what happened.... what happened?"
"she hates me. i'm a fucking fag."
i listen to her voice, barely register what she is saying. conforting sounds full of concern. "i love you."
1,2,3,4,...she makes a joke,...5,6,7,8,...my laughter almost makes me choke,...9,10, ah hell. how does she always make me so happy?

*beep beep* "hold up mannie, bunni is on the other line."

*beep* "dani? where are you? you need to come home. moms looking for you. she's really angry. just come home okay?"

i refuse

*beep* "hey mannie." it's frakkin cold.

*beep beep* "shit, it's mao. hold up mannie."

*beep* "come home...now."
"no, you really upsetted me."
"you upset me."

*beep* "i frakkin upset her. i have to go."
"no i can't let you go. you're crying. you're going to do something crazy. look, my dad called me a fag too. and now everything is okay. and besides, almost every one who is gay goes through this. it's hard being gay. but things will get better. you're mom didn't mean it. trust me. be happy okay? i love you."
"i love you too."

then... then i go home. mao wants to "talk". first i clean, then we..."talk".

she says how she doesn't like that i "change" every month. one month i'm Ti then i'm Dani.
"why can't you just be the person that you are?"
"i try. you don't approve."
"i don't approve of you trying to be a boy! do you want to be a boy?!"
"i don't know... what does it matter if i want to be a boy? ....no, i don't. don't worry, it's not like i'm going to get a sex change so i can have a frakkin dick. don't worry. i just feel comfortable wearing boys clothes. i don't like wearing girly clothes. i'm not girly, it isn't me.

more pointless words. then she goes back to the change subject. i glare daggers at her.
"you have changed. or was it all an act? just an act to get away from the SRS?"
"is that what you thing it is? then yes, it's all just an act."
"don't you dare look at me like that!"

i close my eyes and swallow my anger. slap on a smile, open my eyes, and look right through her.
"fine. just as you want. i'm happy. punish me, i deserve it. i have no right to get upset and leave like that." i smile mor and sit up straight. 'god i should move to hollywood with these mad frakkin acting skills.' she gets more angry and leans foward, tries to hit me, but stops just in the nick of time.

she should have hit me.

"fine you're grounded. go downstairs, clean, and don't come back up."

.....yes, ma'am.

ah man, see now, this has really just not been my week:

SUNDAY - i get promised by ruthie that she isn't going to do drugs anymore. that's great. nothing bad so far.
MONDAY - ruthie breaks her promise....
TUESDAY - people at group spent whole time saying i'm a user and slut.
WEDNESDAY - get in fight and loose best guy friend.
THURSDAY - show up too earlier at ruthies. catch her breaking her promise again.
FRIDAY - nothing, thank god.
SATURDAY - fag fight w/mao [[my mum]].
SUNDAY - find out that ruthie has been kicked out of the house and is going back to Louisiana [[spell?]].

wtf man?? this is like, the frakkin worst week of my life. yeah,.... so i'm just gonna sip on some root beer and try and make something good happen by doing my entire project a week early and enjoying the little things [[i.e. i finally am allowed to have some coffee tomorrow. yeah, i'm dealing with all this shit with NO coffee...gods]]
i'm just glad i'm not the way i used to be, or else i'd prolly give up and jump off a cliff or something. nah,.... i'd find a more creative way. but the whole suicide thing is too over used and just not my style.

<333 les poissons

3 dead "invisible" fish | 2+2=5

10 Things, Lesbian Stereotype Quiz, and A Hair Rant.... [24 Feb 2006|04:07pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

Say 10 things to different people that you have never told them; they can be 10 different people, or only a few. Don't say who each one is for.

1. i wish i hadn't held back. i wish i wasn't so shy. so uncertain. i wish it all back. i want everything you have. or do i already have everything you want?

2. if we both feel the same way, then how come it's never admitted the same way. i don't know what to think anymore. if you knew the real me.... you'd hate me.

3. you're a whiney bitch. if "nobody cares" about you, then why the hell do you think i listen to your shit. i'm sick of you. i know i used you. grow up...

4.stop playing around. what do you want from me? sex buddy, one night stand, or a real relationship??

5. thank you so much for listening to all my stupid drama. i love you so much. i want everything that you want. i love that you want what i want. like we say, things will get better.

6. you are my best friend... i don't know where'd i'd be with out you. i love you.

7. you promised. i don't know if i can ever believe your promises ever again...

8. i'm in love with you.

9. i hate that you don't notice the shit i do behind closed doors. i lie, i cheat, i use, i pretend, i fuck things up. i hate that i can get away with everything, how much you believe my lies...

10. don't believe me when i tell you i love you. if i really did, i wouldn't have to remind myself every second i'm with you.



You're a Boi Dyke!

You kick ass, dear. Serious, serious ass. You're

the type of girl who can change the timing

belt on my Camaro, have sex with me on the

hood, then do shots with me back at your

place. Will you marry me?

Which Lesbian Stereotype Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


i'm starting to seriously hate what has been done to me hair. But that's all okay. Cause i got it like that so i can hate it. it doesn't make sense i know....

DifferenceCollapse )
2 dead "invisible" fish | 2+2=5

Psychic... [23 Feb 2006|07:10pm]
[ mood | sad ]


As i predicted, today was a bitch. i was a bitch. you were a bitch. they were a bitch. we all were a bitch...

Triple Creme:


and as much as i am sorry for the way i've been acting lately, i don't want to apologize until i really am done with being a bitch.

p.s. the hardest thing for me to do is too talk at the same time with two of my ex's. one of them i get along with really well [mannie] the other, ...we barely manage a hello [kt]. but we have the same lunch for two days of the week.....so... i must complain, i get stuck in those weird moments at least once a week no matter what. good news is that it's starting to not be so bad. i think...

P.s.s. ended up getting to go to ruthie's. i kept getting this bad feeling all day that something was going to happen and fuck up those plans. well something did happen, it didn't fuck up the plans but.... i got there a little earlier than she expected me and i caught her ... she was fucking stoned. i should have known. god...she promised.

<333 les poissons


Watching Cars Go By... [22 Feb 2006|06:11pm]
[ mood | busy ]

-Do you find me attractive? I will be your slave. I will do anything. I would like to be at your service. I hear you are into the group thing... I only want what you want to make you happy. Do you want to fuck me? Would you like for me to comfort you? Would you like to see it? I will be standing at the corner... I am no cyber whore. I am no, no whore. I will be standing at the corner watching cars go by.-

So.... group went well. Seriously,... it didn't. So i've had to do this group therapy thing for about six weeks now. And the whole time i really didn't think i needed it. i still don't. But they claim they have found my reason for "needing help" finally, pssht. i basically had to sit there and take all their crap, being called a slut repeatatively, and telling me that i'm endangering myself by constantly being sooo permiscuious. i know i have no boundaries. How is that supposed to help me? reminding me what i already know, what i already want to change. i'm trying, really. "be the bird" [L word reference] ha... it's just hard. told annabell about it and she agreed! wtf? plus,.... i accidentally came out to her. i thought she knew already, but no.... her reaction was ...weird. i swear.

[edit] the lady at the front desk that we check in to for group was sick. the replacement asked my name... "dani ******" ... she asks "Tyler?" ...me- "did i say ti? i'm sorry i ment to say dani." her- "no you said ti." ... "oh that's my other name."
haha,... i love fairy names. XP

it's who i am that they want me to change, everything about me. how i live. all they've got to bitch about is how their father didn't love them or such. i know my father doesn't love me. do you see me complaining? no. point and case. -end-

didn't get any sleep last night. today is the first time i've eaten since sunday. i've managed to convince mao to let me go over to ruthie's tomorrow after school. this is the first time i'll be alone with her since.... last year. i miss her, so much that i'm considering canceling sleep over w/washuu and have her over instead. not like anything was definate anyways. with me, they never are.

P.s. tomorrow is going to be a bitch, just like today. but tomorrow, it's my fault.

<333 les poissons

1 dead "invisible" fish | 2+2=5

Crazy Dreams... [21 Feb 2006|05:23pm]
[ mood | infuriated ]

i don't know if it should be called a crazy dream or just an idea i fantasized with or something. But something really confusing is going on with me and washuu. i suddenly just want to be around her, all the time. It's weird.It's like she's my new Kt....

i have group th. tonight. i am officially out of SRS custody so i skipped 8th block to be with my friends. Then it turned out that it was okay to leave, so i wasn't even really risking anything. Hung out with kalob and grace while they smoked. Then hung out with jenny and her drug buddies. The same crowd i've been trying to pull ruthie away from....

i think it's amusing/funny that people believe the fakest bullshit every fucking time. i say things in a joking manner; how much i hate myself, the town slut, the trashed out fag, the fucking pathetic puppy begging to be wanted. then people play out their role and ask 'that's morbid/whatever, are you okay?'. and then my trademark taunting teasing playful glance and either a sarcastic remark (oozing with even more "joking" anger) or the 'yeah, i'm always happy!" and people buy the crap, like selling tickets to see "invisible fish". i am the bowl of fucking water.
i've been full of alot of self-hate since thursday. And today it really showed. And tonight it will show even more. And tomorrow, it will fucking blind people!!! and oh good god no!!! people will buy the crap again!!! holy mother fucker of uncle joe, i soooo did not see that coming....¬.¬ psssht
...no... i'm not pissed at them for not understanding, at least they notice something right?... i'm just trying to find a better way to get this anger out, by venting about how easy it is to trick people. but then wait that just reminds me of one of the many reason why i'm so pissed at myself.... endless fucking cycle....

Note to Self:
must save up for incredable cds!
- Felix da Housecat
- Chloee
- Hanayo
....more later.

P.s. Tomorrow,... i'm dying my hair as close as possible to my natural hair color. And on Day Of Silence, i'm goin' round in drag. ;]

<333 les poissons


Throw Your Life Away.... [18 Feb 2006|08:51pm]
[ mood | restless ]

"Ty ty...someone has got to help me stop doing drugs... "-Ruth
"Just,.. come back to me. Okay? I'll help you. Please?" -Me
"....I have to go."-Ruthie
"Are you going to be okay."-M
"What do you mean?"-R
"I don't like what you're doing to yourself."-M
"I'm sorry. I don't like what you did either."-R
"I got help though."-M
"I can get help for my addiction too."-R
"So you want help?"-M
"No...not really. It's just a once a week thing."-R
"That's what everyone everyone says. And then it just gets out of hand."-M
"Are you crying? Ty ty?"-R
"I don't like it when you do this. Please quit. I'll help you."-M
"How? I never see you anymore."-R
"I'll find a way."-Me
"I've got to go."-Ruthie
"I love you."-Me
Our phone conversations are always the worst. I love her so much. I understand her better than her boyfriend. Before he came into the picture, she was so much more happier with me. And safer. I never hear from her anymore unless she has really bad news or her life gets out of control again. I don't get it. One second she wants help the next she doesn't. I wish I had payed better attention. I can't believe I didn't notice how out of control she's really gotten. I hate drugs. They ruin everything....

<333 les poissons

2 dead "invisible" fish | 2+2=5

Where Is My Mind... [17 Feb 2006|11:32pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

Need to get to work on re-vamping this place...That'll be fun.
So... who knows who did it, but somebody has suddenly influenced me into a techno frenzie. Either Kyle, Paige, or just that random someone on the street that I share headphones with while waiting for the public transport. to pick us up from group th.

I have a little bit of all sorts of news... such as:

As of now I have been released from SRS custody and my case has been dismissed.

I have fallen ill and can not breathe... I accidentally OD'd on cough syrup today.

In exactly one month I will be sixteen and have a home.

And I've found two new sites that has sparked my interest.
- http://moblog.co.uk/index.php
- http://www.textamerica.com/

Note To Self:
Laptop - variety of things
Glow-in-the-Dark Paint - fun
MP3 Player - music
Domino - movie
Cure All Pill - health
Party Monster - movie
Big Fish Tank - koi fish
Tank Girl - movie
Fight Club Soundtrack - music
The Faint - music

P.s. I have accquired a sudden liking to .... strawberry cheesecake.

<333 les poissons

2 dead "invisible" fish | 2+2=5

Early Update.... [30 Jan 2006|11:27pm]
[ mood | amused ]

So tomorrow I go to visit Lisa.... I haven't seen her in over a month. I'm afraid to see her because right after our meeting I have to go to Group Therapy. I'm going to be so mentally exhausted.

I have a feeling I'm going to be very... Vulnerable? Worried? Frustrated?? Guilty!!! Overwhelmed... Panicky. Everything is going to spill tomorrow. How much I've sank, how terrible I'm letting things get. I don't know what to do. I don't even know if it's safe to tell yet. Not when I'm so close to being released.... Fucking razors. Fucking food. Fuck it all. *snicker*

I need to leave my wallet at home tomorrow. I don't want to make any mistakes. Don't want to take the risk. Who am I kidding, I know I'll end up with it....


On another note, today I got a keychain thing that says "My parents said I could be anything...So I became a lesbian."

And when I was leaving the mall there was this old lady who stared at my arms the whole time she was walking toward and pass me. I so badly wanted to run to her and shove my scars in her face and ask if she's can see them clearly now.

After the mall I went to Hobby Lobby and on my way in, a little boy, maybe...seven, was starring at me with a funny and confused looking face. I stuck my tongue out at him and he raised his eyebrows out of shock. I walked a little further and then I hear, "Mommy is that a boy?" .... Then "Uhhhhmmm.... nooo..." a slight hesitant response from the poor mother that was probably just as confused as the kid. Hahaha, suckers. I dont' know about others that get confused as a boy, but I find it down when amusing when people think I'm not a girl.

Durring art class today a boy asked me what happened to my arms. I swear people, how much more obvious can it be? I'm gonna start making shit up and see if people actually believe me. I've noticed that people don't want to automatically assume that something like that can be intentionally done to the body. I used to say a cat did it. But now I'm gonna just pull random shit outta my ass like: I got in a fight with the can opener or ... Garbage disposer won yet again! ...Damn aliens poking around at my insides. Lol, I'm so using that one!

Chick at the mall liked my NYPD shirt. She had butchy vibes.

As I said earlier, ... It's been a very gay day.

P.s. I got a pin that says, "You are this far away from being bitch slapped!"

<333 les poissons


6 Golden Coins [29 Jan 2006|12:15pm]
[ mood | geeky ]

Woke up too early today. But that's okay. Skipped out on church again, I'm not ready to go back yet.

I am going to spend the day at Crown Center with loved ones....

Mao got me a new black hat. Reminds me of an old green fishing hat of mine I would wear whenever I was around my Da. Speaking of which, I gave him a call today to let him in on the good news [release date Feb.21, srs]. I'm such a idiot. Sooner or later I'm gonna be tracking his address so I can write him every Friday only to have the letter sent back to sender; unopened. *sigh* I'm so pathetic. I'll just stick to leaving messages that he doesn't even check every other week....

Yesterday Bunni helped me choose a new gameboy game. We picked Super Mario Land 2. ..... I feel like a dorky geek.

January 20, 2005
Brian Moore Guitars introduced the newest model in their line-up of technology based guitars, iGuitar.USB, at the 2005 Winter NAMM Show.

"The iGuitar.USB is the first guitar to offer on-board, Class Compliant USB audio to streamline the guitar to computer connection eliminating the need for an external audio interface" says Brian Moore Guitars President Patrick Cummings. "This is what's next for the guitarist venturing into the digital home studio for learning and composing."


P.s. Should have a home by Feb.23

<333 les poissons


Ungrounded... [28 Jan 2006|09:19pm]
[ mood | loved ]

Woke up slowly with you in my arms. Watched you sleep and pretended you'll never leave.

I adore you.


<333 les poissons


Sneaking In... [29 Dec 2005|09:07pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

Um... yeah, so I've been grounded for a month. From the comp. and phone....
I pulled off a monica and nearly burned the basement/house down. There are now... three softball sized holes in the carpet and a few scattered smaller holes. Hehehe,... that and I'm royal fucked. Mao's lawyer is just now signing my release contract! I'm supposed to be out of their custody in Jan. because of this contract. It states that in exchange for giving up my right to have a court hearing if the SRS wants to take me away I will in return only have to be in there custody for six months after the last signing of the contract. Mao's lawyer is the last person who needs to sign it. EVERYONE ELSE SIGNED IT IN OCT/SEPT!!! I should be released next month. Now, I'm stuck under the SRS's ass until who knows when. Called my lawyer and left a bitchfest message. I hope he can fix this. If not.... I'm so running away. j/k I wish.

P.s. Chez, so sorry about Black Dog. Mao is getting suspicious. Leave me a message if you hear anything about the New Year's party. I might be able to sucker them into letting me go. Thanks so much, I love you hun.

<333 les poissons

2 dead "invisible" fish | 2+2=5

She Called Back.... [26 Dec 2005|12:31pm]
[ mood | drained ]

So I haven't spoken to anyone on my father's side of the family, nor my father, for over two years now.
This past year has been really rough for me. I've been struggling with alot of problems. From eating to cutting, et cetera, et cetera...
There was a time, two times to be exact, that I truely needed them. My family that I live with was low on cash, they needed more money so they could help me get better. So they had me suck up my pride (I hate asking for money, let alone help) and call up my other family for some help.
No one responded. The court tried to contact them, I told them no one would respond, and no one did.
Now, at the end of the year, I've called them to just say hello.... and Merry Christmas, n' to wish then a happy new year.
I only called the two main people that I've wanted to hear from for these past few years. My grandmother and my da.
Grams called back, didn't leave a message, she always used to leave a message. I think she's hesitant about getting back in touch. I don't know if she's heard about the problems I was in throughout the year. If not, I'm in luck. If so, .... I'll have to start all over anew.
*deep deep sigh*

<333 les poissons


X-mas.... [24 Dec 2005|01:16pm]
[ mood | dorky ]

Veeryy scary night last night. I got really upset and before I knew what was going on I found myself crying in a corner with a razor in my hand and my cell phone was ringing. I answered it. It was my ex-girlfriend. She noticed that my voice was really shakey and asked what was wrong. So I explained how I let myself wonder and think too much about what's been happening lately and then I asked her to not hang up. That I need to talk to someone until I calm down. She asked why I wanted to do it, that she thought I was really happy. And I am, just sometimes even when you're happy, the littlest things that you push aside as nothing build up into something big. So she talked me back into a happy mood; I threw away the razor, and now I'm here; still cut-free and hella lot better than I was last night. Lol. I started our conversation with, "You called at a very bad time." and she ended it with, "I called at the perfect timing.".... It's weird how life works like that.

On another note, it's x-mas eve, and Mao [my mum] has something called....whooping cough? My grandparents are out of town [Texas, the lucky bastards] and my aunts and uncles went on a cruise. So...it's going to be a very very quite x-mas.

>.< Oooo Mao.... last minute gift wrapping yet again. *sigh*

P.s. I see alot of the 'Hugs not Drugs' shirts being worn lately....yet none that I have seen with them on are willing to give a random hug. *pouts* Soooo... that needs to be fixed. *hugs everyone*

<333 les poissons


Phew.... [21 Dec 2005|08:46pm]
[ mood | impressed ]

Just barely survived the finals. Almost died durring my math final though. Needed more coffee.

So, everyone says that communication is the main thing that keeps a relationship going.... Hhhhmmm... I'm great at pointless conversations. Not to fond of the argumentative kind. However, I'm serious when the time calls.

"astrology coffee"
aries - espresso
taurus - cappucino
gemini - double latte... half decaf, half regular
cancer - mocha
leo - macchiato
virgo - caffe americano
libra - café au lait
scorpio - breve latte
sagittarius - iced caramel latte
capricorn - espresso
aquarius - organic raspberry tea
pisces - chai

~ I'm a pisces. And it was crazy when I saw this because I love chai lattes with caramel. :)

P.s. My brother is planning on trying to get a bass soon. He's making it sound like he might get it for free but he wants to trade it for my acoustic guitar.... Hmmm... *flirts with the idea*

<333 les poissons


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