ah man, see now tonight was one of those nights every "hag" talks about. the night the "truth" comes out. but here... i was always thinking 'nah, that aint my story. that aint how it's happening to me.'
so there's this thing,...WPA? i've never wanted to go to any of those school functions. they're all a load of bull.
but this time, it was something different. i wanted to see my girl. i needed to see my girl.
i don't have a dress. i don't want a dress. maybe those mock skirt type pants? no, the one's bunni has don't fit me.
formal, fancy, nice.... all those words make me feel uncomfortable... and fake.
go to my brother, ask for a favor. "help an ole' hag go in drag?" get my sister in on it too. we all have our fun, playing dress up like the old days, share some laughs until we're finally done. turn around for my sister to see, then from her lips escape, "you're the most beautiful i've ever seen you." hear a cocky chuckle from by brother, "damn i'm good."
footsteps.... oh god that sound sent chills down my spine. no time to run and hide. mum looks at me. and i just stand there, like a deer in the headlights. so many expressions flash across her face, like flipping through the channels on the t.v.
shocked to confused then from ashamed to enraged...
"hi mao...." i squeak. shrink x 10
What do you think you're doing? you want to be a boy now? trying to be all dyke. get out of those clothes.
and then the most painful....fag
more words are said and exchanged then i can bare to say. god what a horrible day. finally she goes upstairs. my brother hugs me and follows. my sister conforts me but is taken away by a phone call. i grab my boots, shove my phone in my pocket, toss on a hoodie, and leave.
call up the only girl, the only person, only thing, that can make me feel better at a time like this.
"hey what's up girl?"
...Mannie? i stutter and shiver. so cold out.
"yeah. hey, are you crying? what happened.... what happened?"
"she hates me. i'm a fucking fag."
i listen to her voice, barely register what she is saying. conforting sounds full of concern. "i love you."
1,2,3,4,...she makes a joke,...5,6,7,8,...my laughter almost makes me choke,...9,10, ah hell. how does she always make me so happy?
*beep beep* "hold up mannie, bunni is on the other line."
*beep* "dani? where are you? you need to come home. moms looking for you. she's really angry. just come home okay?"
*beep* "hey mannie." it's frakkin cold.
*beep beep* "shit, it's mao. hold up mannie."
*beep* "come home...now."
"no, you really upsetted me."
"you upset me."
*beep* "i frakkin upset her. i have to go."
"no i can't let you go. you're crying. you're going to do something crazy. look, my dad called me a fag too. and now everything is okay. and besides, almost every one who is gay goes through this. it's hard being gay. but things will get better. you're mom didn't mean it. trust me. be happy okay? i love you."
"i love you too."
then... then i go home. mao wants to "talk". first i clean, then we..."talk".
she says how she doesn't like that i "change" every month. one month i'm Ti then i'm Dani.
"why can't you just be the person that you are?"
"i try. you don't approve."
"i don't approve of you trying to be a boy! do you want to be a boy?!"
"i don't know... what does it matter if i want to be a boy? ....no, i don't. don't worry, it's not like i'm going to get a sex change so i can have a frakkin dick. don't worry. i just feel comfortable wearing boys clothes. i don't like wearing girly clothes. i'm not girly, it isn't me.
more pointless words. then she goes back to the change subject. i glare daggers at her.
"you have changed. or was it all an act? just an act to get away from the SRS?"
"is that what you thing it is? then yes, it's all just an act."
"don't you dare look at me like that!"
i close my eyes and swallow my anger. slap on a smile, open my eyes, and look right through her.
"fine. just as you want. i'm happy. punish me, i deserve it. i have no right to get upset and leave like that." i smile mor and sit up straight. 'god i should move to hollywood with these mad frakkin acting skills.' she gets more angry and leans foward, tries to hit me, but stops just in the nick of time.
she should have hit me.
"fine you're grounded. go downstairs, clean, and don't come back up."
ah man, see now, this has really just not been my week:
SUNDAY - i get promised by ruthie that she isn't going to do drugs anymore. that's great. nothing bad so far.
MONDAY - ruthie breaks her promise....
TUESDAY - people at group spent whole time saying i'm a user and slut.
WEDNESDAY - get in fight and loose best guy friend.
THURSDAY - show up too earlier at ruthies. catch her breaking her promise again.
FRIDAY - nothing, thank god.
SATURDAY - fag fight w/mao [[my mum]].
SUNDAY - find out that ruthie has been kicked out of the house and is going back to Louisiana [[spell?]].
wtf man?? this is like, the frakkin worst week of my life. yeah,.... so i'm just gonna sip on some root beer and try and make something good happen by doing my entire project a week early and enjoying the little things [[i.e. i finally am allowed to have some coffee tomorrow. yeah, i'm dealing with all this shit with NO coffee...gods]]
i'm just glad i'm not the way i used to be, or else i'd prolly give up and jump off a cliff or something. nah,.... i'd find a more creative way. but the whole suicide thing is too over used and just not my style.
<333 les poissons